Last night I came home and was just prostrate on my floor. Nose down, laid out. No words. Just thought channeling to God. Only He knows at this point cause I can't verbalize. Learned Sunday that I have to prayer-strength match for desired manifestation level. Humph. And they say they want what I have...no they don't. Takes a lot of reading and warfare that goes on behind closed doors.
I know that my pathway is narrow. Looking back, i can see the struggles...the ones that sent me to seek wisdom. Word or otherwise, it all comes from God. Now in my trying times, i recall those things. Today, i thought about the fact that i start school AGAIN, in a month...and i everytime, i started feeling some kinda way, I would repeat "God has not given me a spirit of fear..God has NOT given me a spirit of fear." I am grateful for the tough times. This is the encouragement with evidence that I can share with others.
Today I worked on personal advocacy. I am a giant killer when it comes to my kids, my job, my church or anything that means mucho to me. I am becoming aware of my paralysis when it comes to expressing my needs and communications my expectations when I am the sole benefactor! Why is this? Am I concerned with offending? I recently learned that I haven't shared due to fear of consequences of the power of knowledge. If they know, what will they know!!! And what will they do with what they have learned. I am willing to take that risk!
That yearning and aching for my future me is so strong! Its a good thing, eustress!! Makes me push all the more to get to where I belong!!!
That aching and yearning feeling is here again. I wont stop until it is quenched with manifestation. That thing, that I am totally content withdoing for the rest of my life, is the thing that’s going to walk me to my purpose and through my destiny.I have been praying for guidance and focus. I thank God that even in my sin, my dark places, my low places and all such places, that His Voice has not ceased to be sent to my ear so that I can have clear direction. Today, God is releasing me to expand and go forth… im going forth.
Solitude and the desire to isolate are not totally negative places to be. I have learned that I should plan these moments and title them as a rewarding experience. This can include the opportunity to have pleasurable thinking sessions, thought planning and most importantly vision development. There are times when the task to isolate takes strength. Not everyone wants to be alone. Busyness prevents self reflection and introspection. The gradual path to isolation is forced through conditioning that we allow to direct our actions. It is full of negative reinforcers. Actions and thoughts that have caused a response of retreat and thickened skin. Coming out of this place is not an easy path. But it can be done. Be proactive. Allow for routine mental health releases in a safe place with safe and optimistic people. When your body prompts you appropriately, respond to stimuli. Don’t over process your response. Time is of the essence.Resilience is the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity. It is the ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy. I leave this paraphrased thought from a client of mine.When you carry a thought for longer than a day, it becomes baggage. Whether positive or negative, its weight. What are you going to do with it to lighten your load?
I have a very tough time “chasing” people. I am not sure if this is due to the defense mechanism. One that wont allow me to be in the presence of disappointment. So, yea, I shut down…it seems like im stubborn…and that is probably accurate. But I am working on it. In the instances, if it seems like I don’t care, I probably don’t. at least on a superficial level. This is something that is very deeply and richly embedded in my behavior scheme. Im working on it. I promise. But I’m just saying that it is a struggle that I am aware of. So now I ask, what is YOUR response when you know that someone is working on an emotional wall’s foundations? How much tolerance do you have? Do you accommodate or enable? How committed are you to help others heal in a productive manner?
The day BEFORE my name became an adjective, I made a decision that all the trials and glories I have or will experience (d) are all a part of my story. I must in fact, walk in confidence. Emotions do not have directing power in my life. Whether I'm high or low, it’s all part of God's plan. Regardless of my circumstances, I have the responsibility to myself and others to walk in excellence, compassion and love. I must seek out opportunities to bless others before their needs become noticeable. My faith eye will show me where i can fill a need. Now that I have this power (as knowledge is power), It is truly unacceptable for me to not be aware of my goals, my path and my own expectations. It is not acceptable for others to have higher expectations for me than myself! It’s my sole duty to believe in myself and all others' beliefs are extra credit. As I am grateful for my cheerleaders, I will not allow any external sources to be the primary source of my drive. I believe in ME!Do not allow shame or whatever place I am in life, affect my power and strength. My strength is not weakened by the perception of lack. I have the power to do anything that I want to do, today.
I am so hungry for success. I have an insatiable desire to take the necessary steps to be great in my purpose. I often speak of times where I feel paralyzed from the download of Vision that I receive and then the decisions to make to be faithful in its’ manifestation. I believe that as I listen, write, meditate and have corresponding faith actions, He will lead me. I pray for obedience, humility and His grace! Favor is already given and the Promise will be fulfilled.
Faith is not only a risk, but rather a process of preparation. When viewed in this eye, faith’s actions are seen as necessary steps towards a manifestation mark. When viewed as solely an invalidated risk, its intangible end is more apparent and hope becomes the only driver. When we grasp the fact that it is also a process, alongside the process initiation of so many other things, is where the power lies. Confidence through hope now rests in the assurance that our faith will be as an overflowing cup. Only because the process of preparation is faith now an expectant way of walking, not a coin toss. I have to prepare for the blessing, by going through the qualifying process.